India That is Bharat

By power, for power, of power
MY dear Jaspal Bhatti, Satiricus salutes you. Satiricus is sure you will feel good to learn that Satiricus feels good since he read about your ‘Feel Good Party’. In fact, he felt better and better as he went on reading about the noble aim of the party and the classic constitutional principles on which you have based it. While launching the FGP you reportedly made it clear that all you wanted was to grab power at any cost.

Now, could there be a nobler purpose? Surely not. Unfortunately, since Gandhiji floated that fad called moral politics, there are some mealy-mouthed politicians who talk of coming to power on the strength of moral principles. Of course, they know better. They know that they can never come to power unless they grab power, and they also know that they cannot grab power unless they palm off petty policies as pretty principles. Then again, as you have so perceptively put it, the ideal of grabbing power cannot be attained unless and until this idealism is backed by one indomitable determination to pay any price.

Fortunately enough, all political parties in India, that is blessed Bharat, possess this determination in full measure and have already been paying any price required for grabbing (and clinging to) power. For instance, one party, after cutting up the country for Muslims wanting Pakistan, declared that the Muslim League remaining in Baqistan was a secular party, while another party which came to the political centre stage chanting Rama nama later declared with a straight face that Rama was not on the national agenda.

This should assure you, Jaspal Bhattiji, that the technique you teach is already being practised by professional politicians. More to the point, Satiricus is really happy to see that your party's pristinely patriotic purpose is backed by a couple of sound constitutional safeguards. Very rightly you have laid down that the posts of Prime Minister and Cabinet Ministers are reserved for the Bhatti family. In particular, the Prime Minister's post is exclusively reserved for you, but if you are not well, it will go to your son, but if he is not well, it will go to your grandson, and so on and on. Now had Satiricus been an ignoramus, he would have charged you with nepotism here, but you have made it clear that no nephews or cousins would be allowed to become ministers, much less the Prime Minister, and if nephews are kept out, there cannot be nepotism, right?

Anyway, from the party's noble ideal of grabbing power and careful constitutional means to achieve it, you have rightly proceeded to the business of a party in power—the business of what is fashionably called governance. How will your government go about governance? Satiricus was thrilled with Prime Minister Jaspal Bhatti's answer—“My Finance Minister will circulate certificates stating ‘you are feeling good today’ across the country. People can look at these certificates and feel great?” What a great idea? And, of course, only a great man like you can think of such a great idea. Satiricus would certainly welcome “feeling good today”—and tomorrow, and the day after, and so would everybody else. So no wonder “there is a constant demand for membership forms to join the FGP,” as you say.

You add, “I have asked people to get forms printed themselves; I will happily sign.” Satiricus is happy to know that you will be happy to sign him up as a member of the party. Actually, after a lifetime of failure as a pen-pusher, Satiricus had only recently realised that the only way to feel good rather than good for nothing was to leave the illiterate profession of journalism for the ignorant profession of politics, become a minister, and rule over the country. So naturally it was tremendous for him to see that now he has the sure means to achieve that ambition. At the same time he would like to clear up a couple of minor points before signing a membership form. To start with, the printing press near his residence actually expects to be paid for printing Satiricus's form, which, as you will agree, is most unreasonable. Secondly, Satiricus would like to be assured that his primary membership would be of primary importance to the party. In fact, as you know, Gandhiji was not even a primary member of the Congress, but look at the influence he wielded. And as all good Indians are expected to follow in the Mahatma's footsteps, why can't Satiricus follow him, at least in respect of not paying the membership fee? Then again, like all politicians, including your illustrious self, Satiricus is as keen to grab power as you are, but how is that possible when his surname is not Bhatti or at least Bhatti as a precious prefix attached to some other name? You have expressly laid down in your party constitution that you alone will be the Prime Minister and a Bhatti alone will be a minister, but, significantly enough, you have left out the post of the Deputy Prime Minister. So how about it? With Jaspal Bhatti as PM and Satiricus as Deputy PM, there could be a fabulous coalition government with as many as fifty-one-member parties as members. And Satiricus can assure you that a common minimum programme will be no problem, because all parties joining the coalition will have one common programme—to stick to power. Finally, an important suggestion for your kind consideration—how about importing someone to head the party after we both head the government? As you are well aware, we now live in an age of globalisation, and globalised India is importing everything from carcasses of dead animals to presidents of political parties. So think about it. Finally, Jaspal Bhatti, Satiricus will conclude with a compliment that you will appreciate—Jas jaisa koi nahin!

We now live in an age of globalisation, and globalised India is importing everything from carcasses of dead animals to presidents of political parties. So think about it.